Expectations and Boundaries
I felt inspired to think about Expectations following seeing Minnie Driver in the play ‘Every Brilliant Thing’, written by Duncan MacMillan with Jonny Donahoe, directed by Jeremy Herrin & Duncan MacMillan at Soho Place Theatre.
I loved the honesty and humility in the play that talks about the difficult subject of suicide and brings in audience participation, humour, love and such joy when talking around such a difficult, painful and important subject. It got me reading ‘Managing Expectations’ by Minnie Driver (2022) and thinking about two people I have loved and lost due to suicide. The grief left after someone commits suicide is immense, it does not go away, but changes shape and memories shift as more time passes without that person in your life. You imagine that person at another age and stage. Sometimes they catch you with a trace of their smile in your dreams or when the sun is shining you wonder who is that smiling back at you. This in turn got me thinking about expectations. Does suicide happen because of unrealistic expectations that others place on us or that we place on ourselves? Is life just about meeting expectations? I hope not.
Definition of ‘expectation’:
The state of expecting or of being expected.
Something to look forward to, whether feared or hoped for.
Belief that someone should behave in a particular way.
Collins English Dictionary, 2019
As 2025 comes towards its end, I’d like to reflect on expectations.
Are we better with them or without them? Can ‘expectations’ and ‘boundaries’ get confused sometimes? In the work I do with clients around the body and trauma it is important for clients to renegotiate their understanding of boundaries and expectations for themselves and of others. This is part of the healing work of therapy. This can also support and sustain client’s mental health recovery. This is often a way that the work of therapy continues even when the therapy work has ended. This keeps the client emotionally regulated which keeps them emotionally and physically safer in the world. Where the client can make choices on whether to repeat patterns of behaviour or communication, or whether walking away from a communication or relationship is the best choice they can make. In this polarised world we live in it is having choices and options that are important as these bring us some sense of freedom in the wider world. For instance, expecting someone to always be available is different from them putting boundaries to when or how they can next communicate with you.
Definition of ‘boundary’:
“Something that indicates the farthest limit, such as an area”
Collins English Dictionary, 2019
Winterfest season can be a stressful time for many this is often when expectations are felt they are not being met and can make or break relationships, or the enjoyment of events at this time of year.
All I would encourage is to:
Pause
Take a breath
Have permission to even walk away and take stock before you react
I have been watching the series ‘And Just Like That’ (produced by Max 2021-2025), which is meant to be a follow on from the ‘Sex in the City’ series in the late 1990s.
Having spoken to some peers I have decided that it is a bit like the ‘do you like Marmite?’ question. You either are unsure, or love or hate it. With ‘And Just Like That’ I would sit in the unsure camp as it’s trying to do too many things. Spoiler alert... There is a moment though in Season 2, episode 11 ’The Last Supper’ where actress Sarah Jessica Parker who plays Carrie Bradshaw says something about ‘expectations’ that I identify with:
“Expectations - and to be clear I'm not talking about having dreams or wanting something to happen that is so important - I'm talking about, you know, assuming things will go the way we think they should for whatever reason. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring and it might be greater than thing you ever expected”.
This does not talk to putting limits to a relationship or communication - having limits is a boundary, and having and sustaining boundaries is healthy and okay.
I believe that when others place unrealistic expectations on us or imposed rules that no longer align with our authentic values it puts us in a difficult position.
This can cause ruptures in communication and relationships. This can affect the sense of safety, trust and how much voice we feel we have in the relationship. Having a voice and our individual and unique needs met in any relationship is important. All decisions in any relationships need to be consensual and this includes other people’s expectations of us. Expectations sometimes need to be managed and negotiated.
I intend to continue refining my approach to expectations, both for myself and others, with the aim of fostering a gentler more compassionate authentic perspective as I move toward 2026.
Maybe you can too?